Monday, July 30, 2012

I Was Painting Vaginas In A Pitch Black Room When I Saw This Piece Of Literature







                       ---

        Then everything went pitch black.

             This is a heart-attack.

           No. This is Amelia Earhart.

        No. This is not your fucking heart.

          I wanted something stronger.

                   This wine, 
        which I've been raping all day 
      only makes me dizzy and uncomfortable.

             Image of a permanently 
               disfigured vagina         
              flashing in and out.

     Scenes of a woman beaten into submission 
     then skull fucked playing inside my head.

        She was pleading for her life.

                   She prayed.
    until there was nothing left to pray for. 

                      ---

There was my imagination conversing with me, sitting in a Victorian bench, telling me stories on how should I see things.

A door, a painting of Dali in it, "The fourth dimension" it says. 

A colorful kaleidoscopic view of a market I've seen somewhere in the province of Pampanga.

A poem from Poe narrating while seeing a window full of bloody corpses inside it, blood everywhere, mutilated arms, heads and torsos swamped the whole place.
                              ---

Then everything went pitch black, for the second time, now blacker.

                     ---

The sound of Poe's poem still playing, the doors are still there, though the painting had vanished, stolen by He himself Dr. Krakowski from the film "Be still, I am from Sodom."

A shadow of an 8mm video camera suddenly appeared in the frame, then a voice: 

"I will film it, I will film the process of your hysteria, until you succumb yourself with your own tongue!". 

                     ---


Then everything went pitch black, for the third time, now the blackest.

No words. 

I think I ate my tongue, I didn't succumb though.

"I'm a twat, something's gonna change, I know. I can feel it."

Parts of a dismembered body is always useful to hide the bones you've been hiding for a long time.

                Paranoia.
                       
                         Paranoia.
             
             Paranoia.


"Sleep young rascal, you are going to need some of it, this blackness will not be over soon." 

                     ---

Of Album Covers And Somber Hearts


Pretty plain, nothing seems interesting, no bright colors and nothing much is going on with this one, but this album included the best track they've ever recorded.

This is the album cover of Deftones named White pony, released in 2000.

They say white pony is the street name for cocaine.

Long ago I met someone named Toby, simple guy, always has his guitar by his side, plays it well, sharp facial features, deep voice, always thinks of what He says, seems normal on the outside but once engaged in a conversation, He will pour knowledge and understanding about the world, His world I should say, His sad and problematic world. 

This guy's pretty fucked up inside. 

He occasionally snorts cocaine and sometimes mixes Stilnox with his beverage, He prefers it with ice.

He never explained to me why he snorts that white substance, but based on his stories, His life is shitty and miserable, you can see it in his heavily eye-bagged eyes and tweaky lips, like a trace of something unpleasant and melancholic.

One day Toby parked his car somewhere, turned  the air-conditioning on and slept through his problematic life, breathed the freon which killed him later on. He slept through it.

Toby was the white pony.

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Dada influence in this one is completely evident because of the cut-out collages on the upper part of it,  it is a feast of both the famous and  the anonymous, you can see Edgar Allan Poe, Bob Dylan, and an unknown girl sitting on a man's lap.

The visuals are festive, but the title of the album is somehow gloomy.

Sally was 16 when I first met Her.

Smiling while she was approaching me, "do you have a lighter? I saw you smoking the other day". I was a university student back then, While I was reaching for my lighter she added, "do you wanna come and smoke with me?" I answered with a question, "do you have a cigarette for me?".

Two puffs, three puffs.

As tar and nicotine slowly wallows into my teeth, our conversation started.

She was wearing a colorful headband, one like them hippies used to wear in the 70's, a watch and some wires and knots to go with it, her dress was of like Mary Poppins' but in a good, laid-back way.

I find her artsy image very interesting at that moment. 

She was also wearing stilettos, but i know even if she was not, she was tall for her age.

She has something that is not common with most girls.

The peripherals of her glows whenever she smiles, the beauty of her youthfulness was pouring out of her eyes, it lit whenever she was about to say something, kind of like a fireworks display whenever something is about to start (or to end), a signal that she is going to say something and she wants you to shush and listen.

Our conversation went smoothly with some moments of silence to fill in the awkwardness we felt.

The beautiful strangeness of Sally comforted me the whole day.

I've come to know her more in the following months of the semester.

And as time passed by, I've come to know that Sally was a talker and She wants me to listen, everytime, anyhow, anywhere, everywhere.

After the mid-term exams, Sally and I were not only sharing cigarettes and stories.

Then the gloom inside her slowly took over.

At first it was crystal clear waters dripping out from her, like a faucet, then the water slowly turned dark with some rough, unpleasant particles in it.

She became uninterested and dull towards life, like a faucet, Her pipes was severely lacerated and damaged, the water sprayed everywhere like a gushing blood from a wound, and so as her thoughts.

A simple plumber cannot put a remedy to it.

I was the plumber yes, I tried to repair her, tried to connect the tubes inside her, hoping it would make the water clear again, but i was never good at repairing broken things, especially tubes.

Our conversation became perfunctory and most of the time, indifference is our topic.

I remember asking her to try and drop the loneliness, but it was like a voice inside a schizophrenic, tiny yet so powerful.

So, time came when i can no longer contain the loneliness she is carrying.

Sally has a somber heart. She was a member of the club.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Pink Floyd released this compilation album in 1971.

Relics: An object having interest by reason of its age or its association with the past.

Old things. Old clock, old trumpets, old wood, old materials combined resembling to a ship.

I have an unexplainable delight whenever I see old things. They make me wonder about their story, especially old clocks, they gave old people the old time, the time when there was no technology to complicate things.

Grass, smell of fresh air and trees to give you shade when you need it.

The smell of old things brings me back good memories, like a sexual encounter with a woman, stupid things that I did with a friend, or a really funny joke.

I often  re-create my grandfather's childhood, his games, his experiences and choice of words.

The old world was quite different from the world that we live in today, it is simpler but more vivid, emotions were plain but true, not like those fabricated emotions seen in one of your social networking sites.

Conchita always speaks of the old world.

Whenever I'm talking to her, I feel like I am traveling into a different space and time continuum, a time where apple was a fruit.

She speaks of the purest sense of being free. Talks about simple joys, simple games, simple clothes, and simple emotions.

In the old world where character was not based by the likes you get in one of your networking sites, rather by the things that you do and contribute to the society.

She speaks of the nature of things and how they evolved.

Conchita was a relic, dug from the deepest layers of earth.

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This 28 tracked album is one of the few interesting things left in this planet.

Not like other fucking useless albums out there, the effort on this two disc album was monumental.

The album title doesn't say it all, this is not at all sad, well at least for me.

The vibe of this album cover is very astral and the color of it sends a strange kind of happiness to me.

They say Katie is dumb because of the following reasons:

1. She loves her cat more than Her smart-
   phone.
2. She prefers to listen to poetry-dub while 
   lying flat on her room's floor with no 
   clothes on instead of going out with her  
   friends who often goes out and party.
3. She doesn't believe in heaven nor hell.  
   She says that all these concepts were
   just products of the creativity of the 
   early pagans. "It is so perfect it cannot 
   exist" as She always puts it.
4. She has a humongous interest in things 
   which for some is eery and chaotic.
5. She overly reacts to the mundane, as if 
   it's her first time to experience
   something common and for some people, 
   uninteresting.

Katie loves to waste time thinking about things that don't matter, often smirks whenever something funny pops into her mind.

No one had ever understood Katie wholly, there's something in her which escapes whenever it notices someone or something approaching.

They say it has been like this since something macabre happened to her, but of course no one really  knew what exactly happened.

They say She was raped by her father, some say she is suffering from a mild case of litzsomania, others say she'd fabricated Her reality, where She has her own concepts and rules, some say she's just plain crazy.

Kant might was thinking about Katie when He was philosophizing about his theory about "The thing in itself". 

Whatever Her story is, we will never know. 

It is tucked in deep inside Her, where even one dare to enter cannot find nothing.

Katie is one of the few interesting things left in this planet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 16, 2012

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.





Suddenly I wanted to put the taste of exquisite wine which kings drink to my lips.

To taste it, to feel the magnanimity of it and to drown myself with it.

A sudden clarity appeared before me, begging to be announced.

Be a king, like Nero, who plagued all Europe and fiddled while Rome burned.

Be a king, like Vlad Tepesh, who impaled almost all of the soldiers of the Ottoman empire who tried to conquer his land, who eats his lunch under his impaled victims and just above a pool of human blood dripping from mutilated heads and body parts. Who puts his golden cup in the middle of the market  then ride his horse to roam around his Wallachian territory.

Be a king, like Idi Amin, which was named "Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular".

Be a king, Be a king, Be a king.

Be like them, who possesses brutality beyond anyone's imagination but were able to constitutionally adapt their cruelty and make people honor them as their sole and rightful king.

Be a king, like the Popes, who massacred thousands and millions  of witches, demons, chritians, anti-christians, jews, muslims, pagans, babies, mothers, fathers and all alike in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God our savior and the only God for now and eternity.

Be like them. Be a king.

A crown made of gold,  a staff with with sparkling diamonds on it, and a sword made out of the finest steel in the world, though you will never have to use it for the reason that you have an entire army to fight for you.

Speak like a king. They say a king's word can never be turned down.

Speak of murder and your confidants will convert it to a noble order which is needed to be done for the sake of your kingdom. 

Speak of tyranny and your commanders will announce it to your people with valor and would gladly kill them for honor and loyalty to your kingdom.

Speak of corruption and your senators and congressmen will relay the message to their colleagues as if it's one of the SOP's of being a king.

Speak of pure lie and the the whole nation will listen, even applauds whenever I am praised, your loyal and benevolent butcher, who killed thousands of your  people over alleged crimes  of treason. The butcher who experiments on how he can effectively kill a man, a cut to the nerves under the wrist maybe, a shotgun at the back of the head, while his son  cries for mercy maybe, cut throats and put electric wires, used soap, and tin cans inside ones intestines maybe.

Speak of arrogance
Speak of modern stupidity
Speak of cheating and stealing

That is what a king does. 

I want to be a king.

To taste the blood of my own people, to taste the demise of the commoners who has never been to a castle before or even  the concept of a castle they don't know, to walk in my city and feel no shame of what i've done to it.

To build street lights and infrastructures and make the people think i built it with my own resources and if God permits, make them think that i built them myself.

To torture my people using apparatuses that i can find in my barracks.

To play with one's penis with a knife, cut it in half and enjoy watching one eat it.

That is what a king should do. That is what a king is ought to do.

A commoner arrived, In disgust he said,"Oh so you want to be a king? Well let me give you your crown."

The commoner cocked his M-16.

Pointed it to my head.

I am Jovito S. Palparan, Jr., commander of the 204th Brigade in Mindoro from May 2001 to April 2003.

Abducted militant activists and killed those who dare to propagate and practice the principles of the Communist Party of the Philippines.

Led raids in towns and massacred innocent families and alleged NPA supporters.

I've killed a couple of farmers myself when I get bored planning attacks against the belligerents.
 
I want to be a king.

And I will always be loyal to the kingdom.


Saturday, July 14, 2012

Magkalimutan na tayo, wag ko lang makalimutan na nakalimutan na kita!



Agiw at putik na may nabuong mga letrang “P-U-T-A-N-G-I-N-A-M-O” ang iyong nakita ng halughugin mo ang bahay ng iyong memorya.

Sinubukan mong halukayin ang iyong memorya tungkol sa mga natutunan mo nung kinder, pero crayola at wooden blocks ang natagpuan mo.

Binaliktad ang mga lamesa’t study table kung saan ka nag aaral tuwing periodical test nung hayskul pero lapis at pantasa ang nakita mo.

Pinasok ang kwarto ng memorya ng iyong pagbibinata ngunit babaeng naka two-piece, TV na may ang palabas ay hoy gising!, amoy ng sigarilyo at isang bote ng alak ang iyong nahagilap.

Tinangka mong sunugin ang ilang pahina ng mga librong nakita mo sa baul ng iyong pagbibinata sa palagay na dito nakatago ang nawawala mong memorya ngunit listahan ng alpabetong nasa isang bond paper na nakabaligtad ang iyong nahagilap.

Umakyat ka sa tuktok ng bundok ng iyong naaalalang mga panaginip para magisip, para magisip, magisip kung nasaan na ang nawawala mong memorya ng pagkahumaling sa isang bagay na hindi mo maalala kung paano tatawagin pero ulap na kasing itim ng sabaw ng pusit ang iyong nakita.

Nararamdaman mo ito, ngunit nawawala ang memorya mo kung paano ito tatawagin. Parang isang picture frame na tinanggal sa isang dingding pagkatapos ng matagal na panahon. Nagiwan ng bakas, ngunit hindi kumpleto ang impormasyon kung sino o ano ang nakasabit.

Dumilim bahagya ang kalangitan habang ika’y nasa tuktok ng bundok ng iyong mga naalalang panaginip, “Walang ulan! Walang ulan! Ang sentensyador ay kinakabahan!”, sabi ng utak mo.

Putangina! Nasaan na? Ang pakiramdam mo'y may pagkakahawig sa iyong nararamdaman kapag hinahanap mo ang paborito mong laruan nuong ika'y bata pa, magkahalong naglalangitngit na gigil at di mapapantayang asar.

Basta ang tanda mo lang, inilagay mo ito sa isang sulok ng iyong kukote, sa isang lugar na pamilyar at lagi mong maaalala, tulad kung saan mo inilalagay ang iyong mga gamit pagkatapos ng trabaho, isang lugar na kabisado mo ang daan at alam mo kung paano puntahan.

Sinubukan mong sumuot sa kweba ng pinakamadidilim mong alaala ng mga nasira mong relasyon, pero uod, ipis at dagang kasing laki ng pusa ang iyong natagpuan.

Naisip mong matulog nalang sa kwebang iyong kinatatayuan.

Ika’y napa-idlip at pag gising mo ay nasa tarangkahan ka na ng kweba ng mga pinaka-madidilim mong alaala ng mga nasira mong relasyon.

Umupo ka, inisip ulit kung paano mahahanap ang nawawalang memorya.

Nagdasal at pagkatapos ay nag salsal, nakaisip ng paraan pero magkakahalong takot, kaba at pagka-sabik ang iyong nadama.

“Tumalon sa balon ng mga ideya upang mahanap ang memorya ng pagkkahumaling sa bagay na hindi alam kung paano tatawagin!” sabi ng iyong kukote.

Ang problema lang sa pagtalon ay di ako nakakasigurong nandun ang memoryang aking hinahanap, at kung wala ang aking memorya dun ay hindi rin ako nakakasigurong mamamatay ako sa aking pag-talon, ok n asana kung pagtalon ko ay mababasag ang ulo at idididlig ang utak sa mga bagay na mayroon sa balong iyon, eh hindi eh.

Maaring pag-bagsak ay buhay pa ako, paralisado, nakakaramdam pero hindi nakakagalaw, mananatili sa ilalaim ng balon ng ilang daang taon, walang kasama, walang kasusap, at walang emosyon.

Walang kasiguraduhan.

Nagpaalam sa kanyang ina, ama, kapatid, kinakapatid, lola, bunso, kaibigan at kung sino sinong ka-huntahan. Babay. Babay. Babay.

Masarap sanang manatili sa loob ng utak ngunit ako’y hindi makuntento, laging may hinahanap na bago, kaya’t sa pasya kong ito, sana mahanap ko ang nawawala kong kwento.

ANG KWENTO NG MEMORYA NG PAGKAHUMALING SA BAGAY NA HINDI ALAM KUNG PAANO TATAWAGIN.

Tumingkayad at sinilip ang balon, madilim at tahimik, dumaan ang imahe ni Audrey Hepburn sa kanyang isip, sa kanyang ilong naman ay bumisita ang amoy ng basang librong nahaluan ng pestesidyo, sabay talon. 


Paalam malikot kong mundo. 

Ang pagpalakpak ng mga Ul-ul sa bakuran ni Tata Enchong



Isa akong hallucination na nagkaroon ng sariling utak para ikwento ang lahat ng nangyari.

Sabi ng utak mo, ganito ang nangyari: pinulot nya ang mga dahon at sabay sabay itinapon sa isang dram at saka sinilaban. Umusok at unti unting namatay ang apoy.

Pero, ito talaga ang nangyari:

Umiiyak ang mga engkanto sa mga dahon at habang pinupulot siya ni Tata Enchong ay sabay sabay nilang kinakanta ang orasyong itinuro sa kanila ng kanilang mga ninunong nauna pa sa mga daynasor, maliit sila, bilog ang mukha, matalas at maitim ang ngipin, ang kanilang mga mata ay maliliit at laging nanlilisik at may alanganing bukol alanganing sungay sa kanilang mga ulo, ang katawan nila’y parang sa malnoris na bat.

Sila ang tinatawag naming mga Ul-ul, mula sila sa lahi ng mga upod, maliliit, mabibilis, may sariling lenggwahe at sibilisasyon. 

Batid nilang katapusan na nila kaya’t kinanta nila ang kanilang death song.

Ang mga ul-ul ay nakatira sa mga dahon, lima hanggang sampung ul-ul ang maaring tumira sa isang dahon, hindi sila maaring lumipat ng kanilang tinitirhan dahil hindi sila marunong maglakad, kaya’t kahit kapag natuyo ang dahon na kanilang tinitirhan ay malalaglag na lang ito at kasabay nito ang kanilang nalalapit na kamatatayan dahil kapag kapag unti unting natuyo ang dahon na nagsisilbing kanilang tirahan ay unti unti rin silang manghihina at kakainin ng alikabok.

Marami pang ul-ul sa probinsya ng Samar, Leyte at Hagonoy, sa bulacan.

Ang pagkain nila ay alupihan. Sa isang alupihan ay maari nang maghati ang limang pamilya ng mga ul ul, pinipiraso nila sa lima ang isang alupihan, gaano man ito kalaki, ang unang hati ay mapupunta sa unang pamilyang may pinakamatandang miyembro, kinakain nila ito sa pamamagitan ng kanilang kubyertos na kung tawagin nila ay inggatto, para siyang isang straw na pa-kutsara sa dulo, paborito nilang parte ang paa ng alupihan dahil sabi nila, ito daw ang pinaka malinamnam. 


Inihahatid sa kanila ang mga alupihan ng isa pang uri ng engkanto na kung tawagin ay Perranocha, sila ang kumukuha ng pagkain para sa mga Ul-ul, sa isang puno ay may limang Perranocha, Sila ang naatasang magsilbi sa mga Ul-ul mula ng magunaw ang kaharian ng Erethreas (Ang kaharian ng nagkakaisang engkanto ng Ilocos) nuong nilusob ng mga Kastila ang gubat na pinagtataguan ni Hermano Pule. Sinunog ng mga Kastila ang gubat para hindi na balikan ng mga tao at kasabay nuon ay tinangay na ng hangin, ulap at tubig ang mga engkantong nakatira sa Erethreas.

Habang nililitanya nila ang orasyong pamana sa kanila ng kanilang mga ninuno ay unti unti silang tinutupok ng apoy, “intimiti intimiti, perranocha perranocha, sancti sancti,” ika nila habang inuupos ng apoy ang kanilang berdeng katawan.

Mula sa tuktok ng puno ay tanaw na tanaw ng mga alupihan ang mga mukhang tila bagang mga kandilang unti unting natutunaw, katabi nila ang mga nagluluksang ul-ul at habang nasusunog ang mga Ul-ul ay nagpapalakpakan ang mga alupihan.